feli_fela's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] feli_fela MYSELF Name: Felicia Tan Birthday: 20-Aug-1984 Location: West Trademark: No sense of Direction Read and you will know. Wishlist - A Digicam - (Bought a Finepix at $399) - MP3 Player - (Bought a zen v plus @ $179) - A Lappie - - A better face - - A better figure - - New bags - - New shoes - - More clothes - - More time - - More freedom - - MORE MONEY - ------------------ -> My shop <- ------------------ My Friends ~More About Me~ ~My LJ Friends~ -Eha- -Tiffo- -Sheena- -Edy- -Priscilla- -Phoebe Ang- -Michelle Eng- -Edric Ng- -Liu Ruiqiang- -Grace- -Eileen, Bernard wife- -Andrinna- -Chiobu Cousin- credits This layout was made in Photoshop CS, handcoded in Notepad by Nocturne, using brushes by Liajedi and Linzee. All rights reserved. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[December 20th, 2009 | 16.58] test?? 2 Bitches ! | Slap !

i tink LJ deserted me [July 18th, 2009 | 01.15] i haven blog for like FOREVER!!.. my friends pages shows up to be a blank.. whats wrong.. 6 Bitches ! | Slap !

I am still alive [May 11th, 2009 | 22.51] i know i m not the most diligent person to update. things outstanding. 1. menses update (supposely private) 2. my agnosied redang trip. 3. my work life 4. my personal life 5. my figure. to be back.. 2 Bitches ! | Slap !

Overly Over [April 7th, 2009 | 00.03] cant seems to concentrate on anything. i noticed tat i dun even look at the person when i talk. i m just too distracted. 5 Bitches ! | Slap !

I know i haven blog for a long time.. [March 16th, 2009 | 22.20] I tink he loves me more than i love him..but he cant stand one thing abt me.. he feels tat i eat more than a guy... but i really dun tink so.. i tink i m very fortunate be loved more.. but then i m not contented.. Am i really that material? i think i am.. 1 Bitches ! | Slap !

Unforgiven Mistakes [February 3rd, 2009 | 23.04] work has taken over me. i am losing control over my work. i am screwing up every aspect. i hate that.. i wake up in the middle of the night in fear.. i jerk in my sleep.. i drag myself to work.. i think i have no more new challenge.. and i m overloaded.. how much process re-engineering doesnt work.. cos of pple.. it is always not the work.. its the pple.. its the pple tat loads on the work... i hate it.. i duno what will happen... i m in a lost.. my mind is in a whirl... i need to leave.. i cant expect i cant manage stress like tat.. i feel terrible... economy is bad i need to go... if not i will screw up more... its irresponsible.. i know.. but i cant take it anymore.... Slap !

my com is totally spoiled [December 27th, 2008 | 02.31] i feel paralysed. Slap !

i screwed up my life [December 1st, 2008 | 23.44] WOO = Wining Others Over. I did a test. Woo is my top strength. It is also my weakness. I love it when i m surrounded by people. I cant live without people, i rather die. But what am i doing. I blame myself alot actually. and i cant take criticism well too.. I blamed myself for sucummbing to work, or hiding behind work rather. I know. I know that biatches and i drift apart. I know i can longer talk in their conversation.. i am always lost at the latest update.. latest gossips.. latest everything... i feel alittle bit like kimberley.. i dun wanna be like her... My bf is always whinning that he does not have enough of me.. not physically.. i am big enough.. he is a very busy person.. so he feels tat i shd accomodate to his free time.. which i try.. it clashes with biatches time.. ed's time.. parents time.. my own time.. and i know my sis dun really like me that much. I duno why i cant seems to plan things properly.. i am already giving up personal individual reflection time.. zero. ZERO ! I am losing the world. or i shd i lose the world first? i know this thought is unhealthy, but it is coming abit too frequent. i hate to do this. if not for everyone i love and still wanna give a chance to everything.. i tink i would have lost complete hope. Sorry all for being so ultimate negative. i duno who i can turn to anymore.. Sorry. Comments disabled. 4 Bitches ! | Slap !

All alone [A EXTREMELY NEGATIVE POST] [November 16th, 2008 | 19.02] i feel all alone in this world. People feels that i m very fortunate.. I have a happy family.. a nice bf.. a few group of close frens..pretty nice colleagues.. But today i am all alone, to myself tearing.. Why is that so? Nobody is at home.. everyone wants a piece of me at the same time... but everyone deserts me at the same time.. even my internet connections fails on me.. My parents are always out of home but demands that i am always not at home... My sister nv have any time for me.. she is always findin me irritating...I was so busy with work that i am drifting apart from my friends.. i am not getting recognication at work... i am having too much quarrels with my bf.. xb is getting married.. my colleagues seems to be more n more political.. i am always torn between friends and bf and family and work.... everyone is pissed with me... Now when i have the time... everyone else has found their own entertainment... when i tried to catch up.. its all too late.. i am here all alone to myself.. whats wrong?? i duno.. why has my life become so negative and so unhappy... i wasnt like tat in the past... People used to say.. the more happy a person seems.. the more sad the person may actually is... i think i felt it.. i felt that all my emotions are all concealed by my jumpy bubbly appeareance.. when was the last time i truely felt happy?? i cant remember... I used to have aims in life... i wanna quickly grow up.. i wanna be 18.. i wanna be 21.. i wanna work.. i wanna own my own car and house.. i wanna this.. i wanna that... Today.. Now.. at this very moment what do i want.. actually i wan nothing.. i have no dreams.. no aim... no goal...how sad can life ever be... I know this is a very negative post... it is not PMS cos PMS is over already... but what is happening?? Have i lived enough? i am starting to think so... ========================================= Ignore me.. I AM DAMN EMO ! 4 Bitches ! | Slap !

Pre-Menstrual Post [November 11th, 2008 | 23.34] i know i haven been blogging much... Life is like the stock exchange..  up and downs up and downs... Work is as usual very tough.. restructuring & restructuring.... my work has become less significant then it is.. changes and all.. i became very stress... bad colleagues are increasing.. power.. money.. it can really change a person.. i didnt know things that are shown on tv can actually happen... colleagues with weird illness... everything... I am merely 24.. but i m seeing so much.. and i m putting on so much weight... i m inferior to go out.. but i m glad i m still happy and can laugh sometimes... All mixed emotions are tearing me apart.... Am i more happy or more sad?? I need to start keep track.. Oh ya.. my brain is deteoriating.. i m forgetting things way too often.. or isit i need to do something to upgrade my brain capacity.. is there any medication or remedy?? Helps~ 1 Bitches ! | Slap !

Bid me farewell? [September 19th, 2008 | 00.54] I nv felt this much stress in my life before I am having all the weird symptoms and is dying soon... Slap !

It might be a slow slip into depression... [August 14th, 2008 | 23.31] A true confession of my emotions.... i am starting to feel really lonely in the world... I have close friends.. i have a bf.. i have nice colleagues... a nice family... but who knows wat i really feel, how upset i feel and is my happiness geniune...nobody seems to understand me... everyone just wants a piece of me... am i happy?? i tink i am... but i m not so sure about that myself... I know many pple loves me... and i love all of them too.... i love everyone so much i dun wanna hurt them... and becos i dun.. i nv rejects... hence i always reject myself... have i ever though of myself?? i seriously dun think so... maybe i wanna please too much... i tink i hurt myself... i have to say sorry to me.. "Prioritize !! Prioritize !!"  This word keep ringing in my head.. and i hears everyone tells me that..... but everyone is my priority... and everyone works at the same time.. and hence the only free time that everyone shares.. = is the same time.... I wish i could split into 10 pieces.... i know the more i laugh.. the more i cry.... so much that i duno if my laughter is only a cover up or am i even laughing at myself.... i cant tell that apart either.. work has taken most out of me.. so has my friends... When i was young.. i always say... "the more happy a person is.. the sadder the person is... " i cant believe such a children logic is indeed happening to me.. at this age... at this time of my life..... My family.. My boyfriend.... My biatches... My poly frens... My colleagues... One day i may just shut down.. shut away.. and shut off from the world.. Or maybe I will drop dead anytime.... when i can no longer hang on to anything.... suicidal has cross my mind too many times... but i always cant bare to hurt pple i love...  i honestly hope this is not a sympton of depression...  then again.. maybe it is.... i hope its not.. i hope not....  Please... leave me alone....   2 Bitches ! | Slap !

I tot i choose my option? [August 10th, 2008 | 21.17]  Whenever i tink of japan or tokyo or anything like travel.. i feel very uncomfortable and not wanting to think.... If i think.. i feel terrible... I tink this is karma... Slap !

Am i very upset? Yes I am [August 6th, 2008 | 22.44] Am i very upset? Yes !! I am very upset.. Did i cry?? No.. i didnt.. Almost though.. Am i stronger??? I doubt so... I could be merely very tired.... . . . . . . Many events why  i am upset.. 1) PMS many days before today....Menses came... wore white skirt.. luckily didnt stain.. 2) Had my performance appriasal for first half of the year.... 3) Boss recognised i had alot of achievement & very overworked but no pay increase and low performance rating and he said tats not bad rating already... 4) Auditors are coming to audit my area this coming monday.... 5) Everyone is earning alot more than me.... 7) Biatches have confirmed going to jap at a cost of abt at least 2.5k.. 8) I am not joining them cos i argue with bf (its retribution as i always dun let him go with his frens).. and may not be able to afford.. 9) BF argurement lead us to re-tink into our relationship (which amaze me why i didnt cry) 10) Sister hogged onto my com and snapped at me easily just becos she is stressed and is not able to control her emotions... Am i still very upset after blogging?? yes i still am.. 3 Bitches ! | Slap !

Have i not been blogging??? [July 20th, 2008 | 21.56] Yes. !!! Blame it on work..  BTW. Happy Birthday Love ~~~ did nothing today (i watch my drama.. u slp on ur bed) but was happy and contented.. Love ~~ Slap !

Is it PMS? [June 29th, 2008 | 20.23]   Is that just a case of miscommunication?? A super mixed emotion...Teared terribly an hr ago.. my heart still hurts.. but i duno where the pain comes from.. and the type of emotions associated with it.. it is just painful.. i texted him.. "Dear i think we are together too long le.. and becos we are together for too long, its a failure that we still cant understand each other, and also becos of that, our tolerance level for each other becomes lower. I wonder how much more can we stand each other before we burst out and both party choose to leave" "yeah.. that is why we need more communication. Pointing out each other problem, this is small matter compared to problems we might face in the future" I knew it.. we went to causeway with his mum.. his sis is supposed to join us in awhile.. i asked his sis to go cos i need her metro card to buy a pair of shoes i liked for a long time..  The moment we reach, his mum turn and said she will wait at the resturant.. before i could react.. she disappear.. at the same time.. my tummy hurts, suspected time of the month, went to the loo and took quite awhile.. and while in  the loo.. i missed 2 of her calls.. when i called her back.. she was quite pissed that she waited in metro and couldnt reach me.. i quickly rush to metro with him to meet his sis.. we waited for the shop assistant for the pair of shoes.. he went to meet his mum at the restaurant 1st..  The shop assistant took the world longest time to find the shoes.. i hurried her again.. she finally took for me.. without thinking.. we went to the cashier.. all these happen with phone call from his mum.. she waited 10 mins in the restaurant already.. his sis wasnt very happy at the way she is being hurried.. and we speed up and semi run to the restaurant..  Before i could apologise and explain to his mum, he said very calmly but very harshly.. "do you know basic courtesy? dont you know not to let an elder person wait for you?" i wanted to explain.. but his mum & his niece keep saying.. "wuah.. so paiseh ar.. have to wait so long..." everyone keep reprimanding.. i was very upset... i wanted to say something and defend myself.. but nothing came out.. took a deep breathe but tears accidentally overspill and rolled uncontrollably.. everyone was shocked and taken aback..  His sis asked me out... i went out to prevent more embarrassment... cool down and went back.. went thru the whole motion of dinner and abit of walking (actually should be shopping, and he could even buy a modem) and wanted to go home.. I thought at my angry state.. he would send me home.. but he didnt.. he wanted to go home to fix up his internet... My blood reached 100 degree celsius..  couldnt take it anymore and i texted him the above..  I seriously wonder how much more can we take before we become another case of break up after being together for too long.. i must admit that becos i am very busy, very stress and more material.. i am becoming more n more cold...  I will not be surprised if one day my heart just turn icy cold... i duno whats happening.. i know this day may come very soon.. but part of me still do not want it to happen...   Slap !

I am pretty.. Yipee.. [June 12th, 2008 | 23.00]  Someone commented that i am pretty today... I am flattered like crazy.. haven heard such a comment from a stranger for a long time.. and the same time.. he tries to pick me up..  Told my bf that i gasped after realising that he tries to pick me up.. i mean.. i have not been picked up for the longest time.. it came as a surprise and i am totally unprepared... He merely comment.. "when someone praise you.. you should politely reply Thank You and not gasp like a crazy women"  >>>>>    -_- |||     <<<<<<  speechless... i expect him to be jealous..  And again.. i failed terribly... faint...   Calmly, i told him.. "Next time same thing happen.. i will say thank you and give him my number" Good answer yeah? Heeheee 3 Bitches ! | Slap !

I AM A STUPID IDIOT !!!!! [June 6th, 2008 | 00.03]  I haved used my hp for 3 years.. it is getting unstable... Typed all the sms my bf has sent me over the years into a word document... 200plus of them.. deleted all of them from my hp... I spend hours typing them in... spend lots of time smiles n anger re-reading the sms.... The hours i spent is also due to the slow computer that i have... Then i decided to reformat my com.... And YES !!!!! BINGO !!!!!! You guess it right..... I reformatted it without saving a copy of it..... Kill me pls....sad for many many days... Slap !

I have decided on my journey [May 22nd, 2008 | 22.04] i choose to continue on my long journey... Did some research.. use twigs n sticks to poke tat pot of gold.. n found that it is not as simple as it thinks..... Stop thinking and affecting the normal route that i am already on... Jia you Fel ! you can do it... the goal is nearer each second... Jia you everyone !! Slap !

Whats your direction? [May 9th, 2008 | 22.12] I know i have a 100 km route to embark on.... I have walked.. n walked.. n tired.. n fell.. climbed up.. and walked... Imagine....... You have the same route to walk on..  You nv expect anything.. as you walk to every 10km.. u will recieve 10 bars of gold... that 10 bars permits you to buy drinks n food along the way so that you can sustain your every 10km..  Suddenly at your 9th kilometre.. you saw a pot of gold on the side of the road... the criteria of the having the pot of gold is to change your direction into another direction.... you are not sure what is underneath the pot of gold.. Isit a bomb or isit a magic wand to fasten your journey?? But you know for sure to carry that big & heavy pot of gold along the way will tire you out.. You are unsure what lies in that newdirection.. but u see alot of spark twig at along that long stretch of road... You know that this road is more humps and potholes than the original.. but the journey to the end is shorter.. you only need to walk 80km to reach the same destination..  if you do not pick up the pot of gold.. you know you still have 91km to go.. slowly but steadily.. and perhaps.. happy with lesser burden from the weight of the gold... Now you are confused... should you pick up that pot of gold? if you are this person in this story.. will you? Slap !

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